Word count: 1265
I opened my eyes. They felt slightly swollen, the eyelids didn't move so easily. It was even more difficult to adjust my vision to the all-white walls and the harsh, aggressive light above me. This certainly wasn't my room.
And then it occurred to me that I didn't know — not exactly — what my room should look like. The only thing I could feel was that there was something wrong, something different, but it was impossible to define what. I felt like I should have a name. It should? However, what was a name after all? Did I know other people with names? No, I probably didn't know. I knew nothing before the bright light on my face, yet somehow I knew there must have been something before it.
A strange feeling for sure. Was it possible that I had just come into existence in that instant?
And then I saw... You. Another person, like me, crouched like an... animal. Animals... I couldn't remember what they were or what they looked like... but they certainly must have acted like you. A skittish creature, bent over their knees, dirty and skinny. The already long hair was fraying everywhere, dripping with oil.
There was nothing in that room. There was no entrance or exit, nor... those holes that should be in the walls. What were their names again...? Was there reason for them? Anyway... The only two things that existed were you, and a box high on one of the walls, equally white.
I didn't even know how I should behave. If I should say something. Why should I? Was that it? Everything that existed?
And before I could actually do anything, a sound came from some direction, a sharp but short beep. And then, other sounds, like something rolling. And, from that box, a ball fell. Medium in size, it fit in the palm of your hand, and felt consistent. I kept waiting for something to happen. You ran to the box in desperation, took the ball in your hands, made a slow gesture towards the box and started eating.
It was food. The ball seemed hard, but it fell apart in your teeth, and it looked appetizing, the way you devoured it.
Then something else happened, but this time, you looked confused. Two beeps. Noise of things rolling around. Five balls fell out of the box.
Your confused expression was almost inhibiting, but you remained where you were. Something in you must have known that curiosity wasn't worth it. Perhaps it could be confused with petulance. Therefore, I took the balls, and ate them. I hadn't realized how hungry I was. But you looked desperate, as if you hadn't eaten enough in a long time. So I gave you two balls. So, we had 3 each. Your hesitation to eat my food was noticeable. You gave in in the end. And you made the same slow gesture to me, as a thank you.
And then I started to learn from you. My emergence seemed to please you. Every period of time, a beep would first sound. A ball fell. And then, two beeps, and five balls dropped. I continued sharing them with you. This went on for a long time. And suddenly I was also gesturing to the box.
The first thing you said to me was:
"We should thank the feeder."
We spent time talking about the food, or playing, or sleeping, or eating when the feeder sent us food. It was a peaceful existence, even though I didn't understand it.
Bad times arrived. There was no food. The feeder spent a long, long time without sending anything at all. First my stomach growled, but then there was just a pain, like stitches, without hunger. Hunger was paralyzing. We were silent, except when you knelt and begged.
"Forgive me, Feeder! Please, please help us!"
And for the first time I understood that the Feeder was not the box. The Feeder, for you, was a person, like me or you, who sent the balls. And I questioned him. So it was one of us?! Why were they punishing us?! Shouldn't they be on our side?! The Feeder didn't seem to respond. And when I turned against them, you rebuked me.
"The Feeder knows our needs. He is testing us."
Why? Why was he testing us? Why did we need to feel hungry? Why did we have to suffer?
And finally, a beep sounded. You ran, in tears.
"I thank you, Feeder!" And you made the gesture.
There were no two beeps after that. You won two balls. And I, none. You didn't share them with me.
"I'm hungry," you told me. "You don't deserve the food now."
Why?!
"You have turned against the Feeder. And He does not feed doubters."
And who or what was the Feeder after all?!
"It's like us, but not one of us. The Feeder is superior" and you pointed to the ceiling "He sends the food from there."
Where is "there"?
"Somewhere. Everywhere."
Can "He" hear us?
"He knows all things."
Why doesn't he show up?!
"He doesn't need to" and you showed me the last piece of your food, which soon went into your mouth. "He proves himself to us. He sends the food. I thank you, Feeder."
I remained enraged. I lay down in my corner and mumbled, and cursed the Feeder. I asked myself why he didn't give me food?! If he knows all things, he should know that I suffer from hunger. He should have known I would get mad at someone who could help me, but he wouldn't just to test me. He should have known. Nobody would like to be tested. I hadn't asked for this.
You remained loyal to the Feeder. That worked for you.
"It is not possible to be happy without obeying the Feeder."
If he were to punish me, then of course it wouldn't be possible. But I could pretend.
I apologized to the Feeder every time I remembered to do it. I begged for forgiveness, and was grateful for the food He had given me in the past.
We both got five balls that time. So that was it. It was better to obey.
We remained in our existence, grateful for the food. If we lived like this, indulgently, if we did the Feeder's will, it would be a good existence. But I couldn't stop questioning.
Is there really someone behind the Feeder? Were the sounds you heard on the walls really signs of Him? Or would you like to believe they were?
If it was really someone, then they were no good. One would imagine that someone with that much power would be devoid of any humanity. If it was someone, it certainly wasn't omniscient. I didn't know much. Who knows, He could be all powerful. But it was easy to be all powerful when He didn't show up. It was easy to be all powerful when He trapped everyone in a room with no way out. And to me, this was what proved there was no Feeder.
You only thought there was one because it made living easier, in some sick conception of your mind. For me, however, it made it more difficult. And it was more peaceful when I stopped blaming or thanking someone who didn't exist.
When you got sick and died in my arms, I had a blackout. We were volunteers in an experiment that lasted five years. You stayed for five years, I only showed up after the second. We had part of our memories erased, despite having maintained cognitive processes. You were willing to die for this.
I visited the project's operating base. And I thought you might like to know... It was a completely random automatic dispenser mechanism. There was nobody. It was just... what it was.
The mechanism.
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